Happy Birthday SANJAY
You've pitched another full year. Gave up nine runs. Manager left you in anyway, out of respect. Absolute menace behaviour.
Birthday Draft 2026: Pick 1.01
Commissioner's note: budget exceeded by infinity dollars. Approved anyway. Career slices set to exactly match Derek Jeter's career hits, out of respect. Position scarcity at "Sanjay" remains critical, since there is exactly one.
Box score: the Birthday Game
| Pitching | IP | H | R | ER | BB | K | HR | ERA |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sanjay (W, 1-0) | 4.1 | 11 | 9 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 3 | 16.62 |
| 2026 season | 41.0 | 63 | 51 | 45 | 29 | 38 | 12 | 9.88 |
Pitches–strikes: 112–49. WP: 3. HBP: 2 (both the umpire). Balk: 1 (stopped mid-windup to blow out a candle). All 7 strikeouts were candles. Win credited per league rules: birthday boy always gets the W.
Scouting reports
"Looked at Sanjay once. Immediately became 14% cooler. Doctors can't explain it."
— A pigeon, probably
"Has never thrown a perfect game. Has never thrown a perfect anything. Still the ace. Generational confidence."
— Anonymous scout, crying
"Mr. October? Mr. November? Please. This man is Mr. Birthday."
— Guy in the bleachers, very loudly
"We ran the projections 10,000 times. Sanjay won the birthday in all of them. One time he won a car."
— The model
Pre-game trash talk
Derek Jeter played shortstop. The most important position on the field. What do you play?
Pitcher.
Oh. So you're only a pitcher. You just stand on a little hill and throw. Cute.
Every single play in baseball starts with me. Your guy stood around waiting to see if I'd let anything get to him.
Jeter had 3,465 hits!
Off pitchers. We let him have those. It was a charity thing.
He did the jump-throw!
I throw on every pitch. Harder. Without jumping. Like an adult.
Shortstops play every day. Pitchers only work every fifth day.
Correct. The other four days are for cake. Today counts as all five.
Your ERA is 9.88.
ERA stands for Everyone Really Adores me. Look it up.
And you're walking out to "Enter Sandman"? That's a closer's song.
A pitcher's song. Name one shortstop with better entrance music. I'll wait.
That's enough, both of you. It's his birthday. Pitcher wins.
Tale of the tape: Jeter vs. Sanjay
| Stat | Derek Jeter | Sanjay |
|---|---|---|
| Position | Shortstop | "Only" a pitcher (touches every play) |
| Career hits | 3,465 | Every single party |
| Rings | 5 World Series | Onion rings, unlimited |
| Hall of Fame votes | 396 of 397 | 397 of 397 (the last voter came around) |
| Signature move | The jump-throw | A throw every pitch, from 60 feet, 6 inches |
| Nickname | The Captain | The Birthday Captain |
| Number | 2 (retired) | 2 slices minimum |
Verdict: too close to call. Umpire has gone to get cake.
Celebration control panel
Birthday Hall of Fame: Official Induction
is hereby inducted into the Birthday Hall of Fame on the first ballot, for being one year more magnificent than this time last year, and is entitled to unlimited cake, a seventh-inning stretch lasting all day, the good seats behind home plate, and control of the bullpen entrance music for 24 consecutive hours. The selection is "Enter Sandman", on a loop, borrowed from Mariano Rivera, who is not using it at the moment.
▶ Cue the entrance music on YouTubeValid in all known universes. Not valid in the Upside Down. Issued 19 October 2026. No refunds on years.
AT
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